HOW I GOT MY AGENT(S) PART TWO:
The Two Week Wait From Hell
Ah yes, here we go. The two week wait.
Something that NO ONE talks about when they talk about querying and what it’s like to get an offer, is the absolute bananagrams way it feels during those two or three weeks authors typically take to make their decision.
Maybe part of it is because people don’t feel comfortable complaining about being in such a seemingly privileged position, but I’ll be honest, I wish that someone, anyone, had been truthful about the anxiety and stress involved. So I’m being that person for you and hopefully you get to experience this stress because, yes of course, it’s for a good reason. Hopefully now you won’t be blindsided by how intense it is.
On July 15th, 2022, I had a call with my first offering agent.
Like I said in my HIGMA(S) Part One post, the call didn’t exactly go how I expected. I’d had my worries prior to The Call due to how the email was worded: I've had a chance to read through Black Mountain Academy, and I was wondering if you'd be open to a conversation.
I mean, was I “willing to have a conversation” about my book? Man, that just had the sound of an R&R. And after approximately an hour of the agent telling me everything they would change about my book I was left reeling. Did they hate it? Did they get it? Was I really willing to practically rewrite my book in the hopes of getting a book deal? Was I willing to budge on the vision I had? Would this new version even be my book anymore?
Thankfully, towards the end of the first call and just as my mind started to atrophy from the stress, I got an email from the agent who I’d sent my full to the night before. They also wanted to set up a call.
The tonal difference between the two emails was intense. This time, the agent’s comments about BMA were abundant and glowing. They’d begun reading immediately because after keeping tabs on it for so long via twitter, they were excited to jump in. They’d read it all night until they couldn’t stay awake anymore and all throughout the following day. They loved the representation, the magic system and knew practically from the first chapter that they wanted to offer rep. [insert internal screeching here]
I was so flattered, so grateful, so confused. But I knew there was something special about this agent. They were actually the very first agent on my querying research spreadsheet; I’d always had a feeling we’d be a good fit. Their MSWL aligned so perfectly with my book and their presence online showed that we had similar interests which, though not necessary in an agent-author partnership, sure doesn’t hurt.
I’d even said to my CP on more than one occasion that I was sure if this agent could just read my book, they’d want to offer rep. I just knew it. And I was right!
So we set up a call for the following Wednesday.
In the meantime, I nudged the rest of my outstanding queries and submissions. I’d set my deadline for July 29th but requested that agents get back to me by the 28th so that I had a chance to make my decision.
On Wednesday, July 20th I had my call with the second agent. This time, the agent had feedback similar to what I was already planning to do with my DVMentor. Our visions aligned well and the agent even said that my book made her cry more than once while reading! She said that it resonated with her deeply and I was so, so happy to hear that! Whereas the first agent seemed to see the selling potential of my initial premise and connected with certain aspects of it, they would require an almost total rewrite. But this second agent got it AND we aligned with our editorial visions!!
But, somehow, I left the call more stressed than when I’d started it.
I knew that if I didn’t get any other offers, I would go with agent #2 because that’s what felt right. But what if my gut was wrong? What if agent #1 was right and it would be impossible to sell BMA without making those major changes? Did I even want to sell something so different from what I originally envisioned?
To combat my anxiety and confusion I made Pro/Con lists, I researched each agent on Publisher’s Marketplace, I got in contact with their clients and asked questions (both had glowing responses). I hounded my CPs and writer friends with what ifs and stress rambling but in the end, I knew that the right thing for me, and for BMA, would be to pick Agent #2.
That is, until I got an email on Monday the 25th.
A third agent wanted to have a call.
What. Was. Happening?
Now there’s something that you need to know about this third agent. I never queried them. Instead, not long after I posted my vague publishing tweet I received a DM from this agent saying that they’d seen my pinned tweet (I believe it was a pitch from #moodpitch at the time??) and would love it if I could send them my manuscript if I was still seeking representation.
It seemed clear to me that this agent had been taken to my page from my vague tweet but hey, who was I to turn down a potential opportunity? Except there was one problem, a different agent at this agency already had my query.
I kindly replied to let them know that I had an offer and was nudging agents already and that this other agent had my query. A few days later I received an email saying that the agent I’d originally queried loved the voice of my story but wasn’t the right fit, HOWEVER, they’d passed it along to the agent who’d messaged me (you still with me? I know it’s confusing 😭). I was excited to see if anything would come from this but I was so overwhelmed already that I didn’t think much of it, until that fateful third email.
So, we set up a call. On Tuesday, July 26th I took the call while in my car after one of my prenatal appointments. Now I’ll be honest, the intense anxiety that I’d had before the first two calls had only lessened a teeny-tiny amount, but, like on the two calls before it, the agent was really nice!
They used precise, flattering language about me and my writing and spoke of trying to sell it as a series and seemed to think they could sell it quickly. They said that they’d been searching for a book like mine for a while and that they loved it. They were sure I already had multiple offers but they brought experience and connections to the table.
Their editorial vision was similar to the second agent’s and they seemed very knowledgeable about the industry. One thing that gave me pause was that they were admittedly not very editorial and wouldn’t be doing line edits. They would just give a short edit letter and expect me to figure it out on my own. I wasn’t sure that this would be the best move for me considering my book still needed quite a bit of work. But, our conversation flowed well and I left the call feeling good. And confused.
This agent really impressed me and got me excited. They pitched themselves as someone who was going to get the job done. They seemed confident that I’d sell and they were really, really complimentary. Did I just find an agent I connected to more than the second?
Dear reader, I know this seems crazy but you won’t guess what happened next.
I looked down at my phone only to find an email waiting for me.
A fourth agent wanted a call.
I know.
No, trust me. I know.
I was getting pretty close to my deadline but this fourth agent was someone I had high hopes for while querying. Again, unlike the brisk email from the agent before them, this email was so kind. They connected with the story on a personal level, they cried while reading it, they devoured it and found themselves resentful of having to put it down. They were even on vacation out of the country but were so passionate about it that they wanted to take the time to offer anyway. So, I happily replied and we set a time to talk.
As I prepped for the fourth call I was secretly hoping I wouldn’t get another offer because I was so overwhelmed. My anxiety was through the roof because what a huge decision! Each offering agent was bringing something unique to the table.
This fourth agent was the least experienced of the bunch but they were at a highly respected agency. Everyone I spoke to prior to the call with this agent was so excited that I was getting an offer from this specific agency, because they are known to get their authors a lot of money. Now, is money the end-all, be-all of a decision, especially at this stage of publishing before you’ve even gone on submission? No, of course not. But a reputable agency with a solid selling history is definitely something to consider.
The following day, Wednesday, July 27th, I had my call with the fourth and final offering agent. The call went well but was rushed because the agent only had a limited time to talk. They spoke a lot about the agency and all of the benefits I would have working with them, one of which was their boilerplate*.
*Basically a boilerplate is a set of standard negotiating points that an agency has and that publishers can expect when working with that agency. So, one of the selling points of working with this agent, according to this agent, was that the agency gets those dollar dollar bills y’all.
This agent again, had a similar editorial vision to ⅔ of the others but this fourth agent was previously an acquiring editor and was highly editorial. Like, twenty-seven-page-edit-letters, editorial. They were nice and seemed to really get the book. I loved that they felt a personal connection to my main character and they had great mentorship at their agency. I did note that they didn’t really ask me anything about myself or my writing process but maybe that’s because we were crunched for time.
One thing that concerned me was that they said they would have a 2-3 month turnaround on my edit letter (because they are so detailed) which meant that it would be a long time before I saw any movement and a longer time before I went out on sub. This wouldn’t have necessarily been a problem, but I was pregnant and due in January and I really was hoping to be done with edits prior to giving birth, that way I could relax with my newborn and take a break before starting on a new project while I waited for sub responses.
Another thing was that they didn’t have anyone I could speak to who had a YA book with them, instead they connected me to some graphic novelists and even put me into contact with the director of the agency since they were so new, and I guess had a limited number of clients.
Because they offered so close to my deadline, that meant I needed to play chicken with the director and other clients because there was a possibility that people wouldn’t be getting back to me before I could make my decision.
We ended the call and I sat in silence for a long time.
There was so much to consider when it came to the four agents, but I was feeling stuck on agents 3 and 4.
Offering agent #3 wasn’t editorial, but they were established and well connected, experienced with a great sales history, they seemed to really love my book and were impressed by me, and, in the aftermath of our call, I’d received numerous emails from their clients with glowing references. All the other agents had given me their clients info so that I could contact them myself to ask questions, but this agent contacted them for me.
Now here is where there’s some nuance that might only be recognizable to other marginalized authors. After the numerous contacts I received from this agent's clients on multiple platforms and several enthusiastic follow up emails from the agent, I was starting to feel uneasy. Things were feeling a little too complimentary. I was feeling love bombed (red flag). I was overwhelmed. When I reflected on the call with the agent I realized that they never brought up the themes of my book (red flag). The themes of Black Mountain Academy are what make it a great book. It touches on some really heavy topics that need to be considered when thinking about editorial visions and sub lists. But this agent was the only one who didn’t mention them at all.
Every time I started to feel uneasy about the agent, I would get another positive contact of some sort and it was messing with my head. I began to question my gut feeling that something wasn’t right. I couldn’t think clearly.
To be frank, I was spiraling. It was too big of a decision. And the intensity with which this agent was selling themselves wasn’t making it any easier.
Conversely, agent #4 spent most of the time on our rushed call hyping up their agency and all of the pull that it had. They didn’t talk so much about themselves or what they could bring. They had an editorial vision but wouldn’t be able to get my editor letter to me for a couple of months. They weren’t able to connect me with other clients who were writing YA… but as luck would have it, I was already sort of internet friends with one of their clients. So, I checked in with them to see how they felt and they had nothing but rave reviews! One thing that stood out to me though, was that they weren’t able to answer a lot of my questions about the agent because even though they’d signed with this agent many months prior, they still hadn’t gotten their edit letter.
For them, it wasn’t an issue, and that’s the thing, each person requires a little something different from their agent-author relationships, but was this something that I could handle? So maybe I wouldn’t get the edits for a while but the agent claimed that they were highly communicative and responded to emails within 1-2 business days and that they tailor their communication habits to whatever their clients' needs are. As long as I was able to touch base and have progress updates, maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal.
At this point, I’d narrowed it down to agent’s #3 and #4. Why? I’m honestly not sure. I think in hindsight it was the perfect storm of a few factors: limited time to make my decision because both agents contacted me 2-3 days before my deadline, being love bombed by agent #3 and all of their clients which was distracting me and making it hard to see them objectively, agent #3 saying they could get me out on sub by October which preyed on my anxieties as a debut author desperate to get out there, practically everyone I consulted whispering in my ear that the fourth agency was one I shouldn’t turn down, that I was really lucky to even have an offer from there in the first place, the fact that agent #4 shared identities with myself and my MC and related heavily with Harper and the story as a whole.
I spent July 28th catatonic on my couch.
Should I pick the third agent or the fourth? Why wasn’t I picking the second agent who I’d had an intuition about before they’d even read the book? I’m sure my friends wanted to cut all ties with me by this point because I was absolutely feral with anxiety.
It was torture. I’d worked so, so hard on this book and it was finally paying off. FOUR agents wanted to represent me, and I was miserable.
The fact that agent #3 didn’t mention the themes of the book at all was still bothering me. I also noticed that I only saw one or two BIPOC clients on their list and they had no Black clients at that time. So I made a decision that I’d never seen anyone talk about. I didn’t know if it was the wrong thing to do, if I was potentially blacklisting myself—which was absolutely terrifying—but, I sent the agent an email. In it I asked the following questions:
As a queer Black author who writes the kinds of stories that I write, I want to make sure that I am partnering with someone who understands, appreciates, and agrees with the themes in my book. Was there anything about my story’s themes in particular that stood out to you or spoke to you on a personal level?
Would you mind telling me again what your vision is for my book?
Knowing the inherent issues within the publishing industry, do you have a system or process in place personally that helps you advocate for your queer and BIPOC clients specifically?
We only spoke briefly about [redacted] as an agency, would you be able to tell me a bit more about it? Does [redacted] as an agency have any initiatives in place to make sure that they are amplifying marginalized voices?
I’ve really enjoyed speaking with your clients so far but would I also be able to speak to some of your authors of color?
I was really scared to send that email. Was I being inappropriate? Would I accidentally offend the agent? Was it weird to ask to speak to authors of color? Would the agent not want to represent me anymore?
I decided that I didn’t want to work with someone who would feel uncomfortable being asked these questions. I didn’t want to work with someone who didn’t feel passionately about uplifting marginalized voices and who didn’t have a plan in place to protect their more vulnerable authors. If this agent was going to get angry with me over these questions then they were never the agent for me in the first place. I knew that their answers would determine my decision.
When I saw the notification for their response, my heart fell into my butt.
Now before I talk about their response let me clarify, again in hindsight, I realize the wording of the first question might have been a bit confusing. I wasn’t looking for the agent to out themselves in any way or even tell me anything super personal about themselves, what I was looking for was something along the lines of “I feel passionately about racial justice and equality as well as bringing more LBGTQIA+ rep into children’s literature, yadda, yadda.” My book deals heavily with racism and discriminatory phobias as well as generational trauma and I wanted the agent to acknowledge that and feel passionately about those things.
I won’t go into their specific response since that is personal to them but while there were parts of the book that did resonate with them on a personal level, they still failed to mention anything about its biggest themes. The rest of the responses were great though! It seemed as though the agent was very open and willing to talk about these things, and again, it was apparent that they really, really, wanted me to sign with them. And even though I was being pulled to the other agent by a lot of the people I was talking to, I made my decision. I was going to go with agent #3.
No, they didn’t necessarily mention the themes of race in my book which is really the heart of the story, but they connected with it in other ways that are also important to me. They were a more senior agent with lots of additional and important experience, their clients loved them, the agent was highly responsive to my questions and quick to communicate, they saw a great future for my story and were confident in their ability to sell it and to do so rather quickly instead of me having to wait for a while to even get started on edits with agent #4.
To be honest, I just couldn’t keep going back and forth. I couldn’t take it anymore! I stayed up late into the night, my brain buzzing. Was I making the right decision? Was I? Was I? Was I? What if I wasn’t? What if I should be picking agent #1 even though they wanted to change so much about the book? What if the book actually sucked how it was and would never sell without those changes? What if agent #2 was the right choice since I’d had an intuition about them before we ever even met? Was agent #3 the right choice even if my gut was screaming that something was wrong? Should I be picking #4 because they are at a top agency and connected with the story even if I was worried about the timeline to go out on sub?
Wait.
Why was I so worried about the timeline?
What was I doing?
I sat up, panicked. I needed to pick agent #4. It was so obvious the whole time! Their agency which had an official DEI initiative, plus their mentorship, plus their passion for BIPOC stories, plus the way they connected and related to my story in particular, they were the obvious choice. Right?
In the morning I made the rounds again with my friends, determined to send off my acceptance email that day, and two things happened that solidified my decision: through whisper networks I found out some information about agent #3 that gave me pause, again, and that same agent emailed me, again, with some more information. They forgot to tell me that actually their first ever client was black! So there! Proof that they were an advocate for Black voices.
The veil was lifted.
I released a breath I didn’t know I was holding, or whatever.
I was shaky and my head hurt. I felt like I’d narrowly escaped being Get Out-ed. Now I know that seems extreme, but I hope that the Black and marginalized authors reading this can understand what I’m trying to say. It was always too good to be true. The agent had been trying too hard. It was written clearly in between every one of our interactions. In how they were seeking a story like mine specifically but couldn’t articulate why with any depth. How they said when they found stories like mine they did everything they could to work with that person. It was in the whisper network information I found. It was in the way that any person well versed in advocating for BIPOC voices would know that using a working history with ONE Black author fifteen plus years ago as proof that Black voices are safe with them sounds more like a dog whistle than it does as anything else.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know this agent on a personal level and to be fair they were incredibly kind. Our conversation flowed well, they seemed knowledgeable, confident, and skilled. I felt like they were really impressed by me which definitely made me feel good. They have some impressive clients on their list and great connections and I truly believe that their clients are happy with them. But that doesn’t mean that they were the best advocate for my stories. For my themes.
When you’re faced with a decision like this, it isn’t always about who has the most impressive client list or sales history or who has six-figure deals, especially when you’re marginalized. It’s about where you and your stories are going to be safe. Where they will thrive.
If you are a marginalized author who is concerned about what that means for you and your safety and success in publishing, I encourage you to ask questions like these when you’re offered representation. It’s scary and you could always ask in a follow up email like I did, but normalizing BIPOC/queer authors demanding that agents/agencies have diversity initiatives in place to advocate for their authors in an inherently racist and phobic industry is imperative in creating a safer and more inclusive environment for everyone.
At this point, my decision was crystal clear.
On the morning of July 29th, I emailed agent #4 and gladly accepted their offer of representation and I emailed the other three agents declining their offers. It sucked ass, I’ll be honest. It gave me anxiety to be the one doing the rejecting. It doesn’t feel good to tell someone who was excited about working with you that you found someone else who might be a better fit. For every agent there was a moment of wondering if I was making the right decision. For agent #2 especially. The first agent I ever had that “dream agent” feeling about. But dream agents aren’t real. Agents are people just like us and we have to pick the agent that’s the best fit.
I’d spent two weeks waffling between screaming my anxieties at my mom and partner and children and friends, and crying because I was so, so, so, scared that I would make the wrong decision. I suffered through it and made lists and lost sleep and talked literally nonstop during therapy (no seriously I’m not sure my therapist got a singular word in), but I’d done it.
I made the right decision for myself and my career.
…Or did I?
Thank you so much for reading! Check out Part Three of my querying-to-agented saga next month where we learn that no. No, I did not in fact make the right decision. Like, at all.
Noelle’s March 2023 Recommendations
Be sure to subscribe so that you can be notified when Part Three drops! I’ll walk you through what happens when you realize your agent isn’t the right fit. When and how to leave, and what comes next!
Thank you for sharing such a terrifying part of your journey - in particular the parts about how it feels to be making that sort of choice as a marginalized writer. Can't wait for part 3!